Friends ask you questions; enemies question you.

Who is enjoying this new normal to life?

This week has been the first that I have felt really affected by the whole lockdown. I feel like I’ve really allowed myself to thrive over the last few months. While it has largely been an inconvenience; and it has always been disappointing that I have not been able to see my family since Christmas. It is become even more so now that my little niece has entered this world.

I would so love to be up in Scotland giving her little cuddles right now, but I know that not seeing her when she is a little Bean is the best and safest thing for her.

The sacrifice sucks, but it’s essential.

Today the housemates and I have spent the day deep cleaning the house, giving it an extra bit of loving. Organising and decluttering is the only bit of glee I get these days.

In a way I am super lucky that I am not living alone during these times. These beautiful creatures have kept me sane. Together we have made menial tasks bearable and laughable.

Recently I’ve became obsessed with Pokémon Go and Strike Force, I’ve always been a little geeky with my gaming but it’s getting ridiculous. I’ve also been watching a TV show on Netflix called Scorpion, which is not my normal go to show; but it’s pretty marvellous, it’s kind of heart-breaking that I’ve been informed that the show was cancelled after its fourth season. Again, this all illustrates are mundane my life has become. I have majorly lacked in my fitness routine over the last couple of weeks too, so I really need to get back on that! It has already started yesterday with a 10-mile walk. I have done more walking in a morning while being in Scotland, but today my body aches, which just shows how lazy I have been recently.

Overall, this last month has been all over the place. I can’t believe it’s August already. We are still planning on going Scotland; but I’m not holding my breath. We are making plans to go Wales for my 30th too, but again, we are not holding out much hope. The world is still in a state of chaos. So, if we must continue to hold off plans for another year. We will.

We are all fortunate; our families and friends are healthy and safe; and at this stage we want to keep it that way. I am not saying it won’t suck, of course it will, but I’m pretty much ready to try anything to get back to a more realistic normal at this stage.

Our mental health isn’t at it’s best because of this, with the lack of adventure, and being cooped up all the time definitely isn’t helping; but we’ve all had it worse in the past. So, we’re all clinging onto the positivity of that.

This evening I’m going to enjoy a bit of self-care. I need to get focused again, everything I seem to do, just does not feel right lately, like I could do it a lot better. I feel like my writing is hitting a bit of a roadblock. My routines are going out the window, and when I am doing them, it all seems a bit half arsed. I’m not sleeping well with only a maximum of 6 hours a night. Which of course isn’t helping my brain focus. Overthinking is coming back strong, but luckily, it’s just me panicking about my future. You know, “normal” stuff.

Real life work is going well. I am feeling more on track about that. I just wish that I could find balance in my home life too. Despite this, it is so weird, because I know I’ve come along way; and I am generally feeling so happy lately.

I feel I have more control over my life. Saying no has been so much easier. I do not feel I am putting myself in to these odd, awkward positions to please people. My circle is small, and I love that because the people within it are outstanding.

Worrying about what people think is such an annoying trait of mine, but I’m getting so much better and I’m finding it so much easier to let things go and just not give a fuck!

I need to always remind myself that people judge you, based on their own insecurities, and their need to bring a little meaning into their lives.

A daily reminder; I am okay.

Things happen for a reason; these reasons allow you to see what people are really like. It allows you to become a stronger better person. I wasn’t always good in my past, I’ve done wrong and could have treated people better. I’m learning more and more each day.

I’ve also found you do not need to keep people in your life, no matter what circumstances you are in. Just because you have been friends with someone for years, or they are part of your family, this does not mean you have to keep them in your life, if they are toxic or have recently become toxic. It’s okay to let them go. People change and if they no longer have the same mentality or morals as you, moving on from them is an acceptable thing to do. You don’t have to feel terrible about making this choice. Effecting your own sanity is not a price you have to take.

People that have judged me in my life; have had or are currently having affairs. They are cheating in life in general, they are liars, who believe that drama and rumours are facts. They are using or being used. Flirting with their best friends’ partners or partners best friends. Or you know, getting with someone that has a partner already but isn’t the bad person “because they are not doing wrong”. They are hurting people and they don’t care, and I’m the bad person because I don’t stand for it anymore. Because I’ve grown and want to be a better person. I started calling people out for their bullshit and they spread rumours about me, because it makes them feel better. I mean the world is so fucked up; no one is doing right by themselves or anybody else these days. Who is winning in all of this really? Why the fuck do people think they can hurt and judge others when they are just as guilty of this shit themselves. None of this makes sense. No one is truly happy in these scenarios. Is it for some kind of backwards thinking power dynamic?

Anyone out there who is an arsehole, can you please explain it to me?

My life is far from perfect, but at least I don’t put myself in these stupid dramatic filled situations anymore. At least I don’t feel uncomfortable while I’m trying to help people hide from the truth or protect them from getting hurt. It took me a long time to realise this isn’t my job.

My best friends can tell me anything and everything, because we don’t judge each other, because we don’t go out the way to hurt or talk about one another behind our backs, if we’ve got something to say, trust me it gets said to our faces. We are not scared to share our truths. We protect and love each other no matter what. You can tell a lot by a friendship based on how they talk about you when you are not around and listening to so called friends literally bitching about each other is crazy!  Why do people feel the need to fake life? What is that really achieving? Popularity? What is that if it is not real? If you all hate each other, that doesn’t exactly make you popular?

I mean I know so much about people lives because they “best friends” just talk about it in the open. What is that! Stop being friends, if you are not even friends! Ahhh!

Friends should not feel weird or guilty hanging out with each other. Friends should not have to be friends “for convenience”. They should be friends because they love and care for one another. Because they trust and respect each other. Because they want to be in each other’s lives and want to support one another for any life choices they make. Friendship should not be complicated; it should be the easiest and best thing in the world. Anything else can fuck off!

Huh! Anyway, weird Sunday rant over.

I wish everyone a fabulous week. I hope you all find the courage to just say no. I hope you all have someone amazing to confide in, and I also hope you have the realisation to drop toxic people from your life. If being alone is a sacrifice you need to take and focus on finding self-love than do it!

Spending years feeling shit, spending years going to bed worrying about other people’s lives and stepping on eggshells is no way to live.

Be positive, be happy.

You’ve got this!

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