I’m not okay, and that’s okay.
Do you know happiness, like the real fucking deal, the kind that makes you feel as if you have been lifted up above the world, drifting on a bright, white, fluffy cloud, not a care in the world? I know what you’re thinking. You’re high as a kite, aren’t you! The answer to that is, a big fat yes, but all legal; Citalopram is my friend, and she makes me feel human.
Years ago I was afraid to admit I needed help, and for a long time I listened to people when I was told to stay away from taking any medication to help with my depression and anxiety, but I thank the Gods every day I didn’t listen, because that person I was trying to be a couple of weeks ago, wasn’t me.
This is me, or at least I will be me again very soon.
Depression. It’s such a scary word isn’t it, and because I like to upload my life, and because I’m a talker and I laugh a lot and look generally happy 24/7, I can’t have depression, can I? No, of course not, because if you don’t feel it, no one else can. Right?
Ugh, I hate people sometimes, like I genuinely wish I was the only one on the planet. Will Smith, you lucky Bastard! Okay, so the Zombie thing wasn’t brilliant, and the whole having to kill your dog, not cool, but man! That alone time must have been the bomb!
I have lived with Anxiety every day of my life; panic attacks? Avoiding them is just part of the morning routine; but I deal, and I deal good. I have to constantly calm my mind and do many little tricks to help find ways to stable myself. Writing being one, reading, listening to music, drawing. Crystals! Finding really cheesy, sometimes unrelated quotes and uploading them to social media. Oh yes, I’m that werdio! #quotestoliveby
But phew, when my depression hits. It hits hard! (Which I can luckily say I’ve only ever had four bad episodes), I become the paranoia Queen, I think the world is against me, and I end up seeing and hearing things that are out of this world. I sometimes end up thinking things so bad, I make them a reality with how I react to it! I see my world slipping from under me, and I have no power or control to stop it. I ruin my relationships with people, and this in turn is more evidence that they don’t care. Even though I’m the one fucking pushing them away! You see the flaw in my plan?! But I think we can all agree, there was probably a couple of toxic people that needed to go.
Eating is lost on me, and while I love the weight loss, I hate that I just add to this already empty feeling I have within myself, but the thought of food is just gone, makes me feel sick even, and come on, if you know me. I LOVE FOOD! Too much in fact.
I cry, a lot, like snotty, drool, weird whale noises cry which comes from my nose and mouth, it’s disgusting! This happens in the shower, in my car, (sorry neighbours!), before I fall asleep, when I wake up…ugh so much water. Which in turn, makes me drink lots, and then I end up peeing for Britain! Bleh! The mind, the body, the roller-coaster!
Sleep, what’s that? Thoughts about the past, the present, and an unrealistic future is the only thing that happens to my body at night. I scratch, I bite my nails, I toss and turn and pray to the demons to let me Sleeeeep! Overthinking…crying…more overthinking. Dramatic Facebook and Instagram posts. I’m a bloody mess.
I spend all day running slow and having no motivation, then at night, I can’t sit still. I end up dying my hair at stupid O’ clock, I mean, it looks fabulous…right? But signs of a girl going through a mental breakdown…blue fucking hair! Or I write a deep dark depressing blog post about an ex, because the past is here to haunt me, (to all those who asked, or was too scared to ask, nothing to write home about in my life at the moment, phaha. Boss Baby definition = Someone who acts as if or does things as if the world revolves around them, in other words, my shitty mind fuck ex)
And finally, you know the most annoying part of it all; I think everyone thinks I’m lying; hello, paranoia! Everyone hates me. I’m useless. People are out to get me. I’m shit. Pathetic. Basically, I’m nuts!
You see, control, that’s my problem, and this time it was like a tornado came flashing into my life and took everything out in one foul swoop. Within months, I had a new job role, Mama moved to Scotland, I remembered I was turning 30, and felt like I achieved nothing this year. I took my first steps at dating in years, (which if you really know me, is trauma in its own right). Before I knew it, I was in a really dark place unable to escape.
Luckily, I can see clearly now. It’s just about taking one day at a time.
New Job: I’ve got this, I know what I’m doing, and I’m still learning. I don’t need to be amazing yet, I just need to make sure I’m doing everything in my power to become the best I can be, and I will be awesome!
Turning 30: who cares. It’s the new 25, and I’ve achieved a lot!
Mama moving: Good for her, more excuse to visit the place I love. Scotland!
Dating: phew calm down, no need to rush, no need to worry, and definitely no need to settle for people I don’t match or click with, or people I don’t actually want…eeek close call.
Once that clarity really comes though, it’s outstanding, and you can finally put everything into place.
To me, the worse type of people when it comes to mental health, are people that think that everyone is lying or exaggerating about it, and yes sadly, those fuckers are out there. Or, there are those types of people that think they have it worse, so you should stop complaining. Just because you don’t think someone is suffering; doesn’t mean they are not. Everyone’s pain is so different, and no one is worse off, we must always remember that!
“Oh, they’re just doing it for attention”
What, the, actual, fuck!
Look if a person is doing anything toxic to themselves for attention, cutting, causing drama, pulling away, sudden change in demeaner, suddenly closing themselves off, doing stupid crazy out of character things. Well, news flash! This person has a fucking mental health issue. Again, just because you don’t understand it, doesn’t mean that person isn’t going through something. So, here’s a tip; shut up, and fucking listen okay! Stop making it about you. Stop acting like this person is the worse person in the world, and stop fucking talking behind their back. Cause trust me people, it ent bloody helping the situation.
Put yourself in their shoes; imagine for a moment, that you think the world is crashing down around you; that you are useless, pathetic, that EVERYONE hates you, and I mean EVERYONE, and you’re only escape is darkness. No fun eh!
How someone chooses to deal with their mental health is also something you need to shut the fuck up about. Granted, someone might be doing something immoral, something you don’t agree with, but is that really any of your business. If you can call yourself their friend; than yes, advise them, help them, and support them to get a healthier outlet for their needs, but never, ever, ever judge them. You should do everything in your power to support and protect. You won’t spread gossip or turn everyone against them. Let them be and mind your fucking business.
If you can honestly say you don’t know that person; than, 100%, shut, the, fuck, up!
Now, all cards on the table, I have done it, I have judged someone, when I’ve heard rumours I’ve ran straight to my friends and told them about it. We’ve all had a little laugh and joke about it, and I know full well, that there is no-one reading this, that can say they haven’t done the same thing. Let’s not be hypocritical now!
As I’ve pointed out many times, this world is a fucking shit storm, so sometimes we do things we regret. I regret a lot of things I’ve done in the past, and I will do something I regret again, I’m sure of it. My point is; sometimes we all do things we’re sorry for. But it’s how you move on, how you apologise, and how you learn from this, and ensure that you try not to do it again, that’s what matters! It doesn’t matter how you reacted to something before, it’s about how you’ll react to it in the future.
So, if you have someone that comes to your mind right now, and you generally care about their feelings; ask them, talk to them, and if they don’t want to talk, just let them know, that when they are ready, you will be there. You will listen, and when that fog clears for them. They will be glad that you were.
So, remember go to your GP, it doesn’t make you weak asking for help! None of what you’re feeling is weakness. Life is hard and shitty sometimes, and having people support one another is okay! Doing what you need to do, is okay. Don’t take advice from people that do not have a clue what you are going through. I know it’s hard, but try not to worry about what people are thinking, your friends, your family will all fall into place when you stop trying to please everyone.
You should be the most important person in your life, so look after YOU!
To my friends, who noticed the small changes in me. The ones that had my back, who stopped me doing something stupid, even if at the time I didn’t think it was. A little blip in the road you called it. Thank you for hugging me, for telling me you love me, even if at the time I didn’t believe it. Thanks for talking to me, for trying to make me laugh. For checking up on me, for making me eat, for running my baths, washing my hair, straightening it.
When the dust finally settled, I saw you! Your eyes were heavy, bodies bleeding from taking all the bullets and stones I threw in your direction. Just know I love you with all my heart. You are the platinum addition of friendship!
Now listen up, not everyone gets or can deal with someone with mental health, and that’s no shame. That’s not a stain on them. Some people have just never had to deal with it, and those people you should never stop caring about, but it doesn’t mean you have to stand for their behaviour, should they have hurt you in anyway. Pro tip: move on and surround yourself with people who really care about you.
You see, I say it’s important to support people with mental health, but it is also not your job to fuck up your own, protecting someone else’s. Just don’t go out of your way to hurt them, because they are not there holding your hand for once. Support, but walking away is okay too. Sometimes you must hope, and let people find the help they need on their own. So, if some people in your life, had to walk away from you while you were going through whatever you were, or are, going through, remember they are looking after themselves too. So never hate or hurt them because they didn’t catch you. You are not someone’s responsibility.
Everyone has their own shit to deal with. Remember that!
So, leave the toxins at the motherfucking door! You’ve got this!!!
Both used and recommended by me:
24-hour Helpline – 08009170464 (CATTS UK)
Website I love and support – https://www.mind.org.uk
Need counselling? – 03009991616 (UK IAPT)
Or just need to talk. Message me! I will be an open mind, with an open ear!