Did you know I’m a terrible overthinker, I mean duh right, but overthinking is the least of my problems. I’m a fixer, and by that, I mean I must fix everyone and everything I see because, for some fucked up reason I seem to think it’s what I was put on this planet to do. My problem is, I’m not very good at it, and more often than not, I seem to get myself into more trouble than it’s worth. I do stupid things to protect people and end up hurting myself, and them in the process. I would like to say, people that know me, know my intentions are good, but it doesn’t always come across that way.
Now this next part I don’t say out of sympathy, and anyone that’s been in my situation, knows full well that when you open up about these things, it’s not because you have hope of attention, or at least not the wrong kind anyway; but I was in a bad relationship. I was control, abused and used, and by some miracle I survived. Broken and bruised, but survived, the only reason I’m telling you this, is so you can understand, I’ve been alone for many years. I can walk this world without holding someone’s hand. I’ve done it, and I’ve done it well. I am happy, I am free, loved and cared for more over these few years, than when I’ve had someone call me theirs. Now I am mine.
I find it hard to open up, partly, because I don’t want to, and partly, because I don’t have to. People think they know everything about me, they think I’ve told them my deepest secrets, my blackest thoughts, but you, and them, only know 50% of my cracks, if that. So, because of this I have learnt to see the world in a different way than most. I don’t do relationships, because what’s the point of them? Everyone lies and cheats and hurts one another. I know this, I see this. I understand, that’s life. It’s about shifting through the shit, and finding the best of the broken, and I know am not the best either.
I don’t fall easily, and if you think you have made me. You are sadly mistaken. While feelings are always involved. Of course, they fucking are, everyone’s waking moment is a feeling, it’s just never the ones you think, wish, or boast about to fix your broken ego. I’m not here to be played, I’m not here to be used like the others or used against. I also know that there are ones that have gone out of their way to hurt me, because they think it will, what? Impress you? Is it? Help them to win? Win what? If you are the prize, I don’t want it!
So, trust me when I say, I know I’m not special. I know of the others. I know the lies you say about me, the words which you have twisted to seem as if I care deeper than I do, but I am physically incapable of doing that. Regrettably, I did want to help, too much maybe, I guess I wanted to help myself a little too, and I allowed myself to think you could, in a weird twisted way. I allowed myself to be selfish, just once. I knew I was using you too, and I didn’t feel bad, because hey, you’re doing it to so many, so it would be hypocritical of you to say that I hurt you, right? But in the end, the bubble burst, and I remembered why I was doing it, I remembered that I was here not to fix me, I was here to fix you, for them. The one that cares for you, more than you’ll ever know.
What am I saying!? Of course, you know, and you love it! You love the hook you have around their neck. The one you tug on when you, and the others get bored, when they don’t give you the attention you crave.
I see things I don’t want to, I hear things I wish I never knew, and while I try not to judge, it’s hard when I see so many people getting hurt, to see them go through what I have gone through, for fuck sake, what you have gone through too! Or was that all a lie as well? Do you ever consider their feelings, do you ever wonder if you are hurting them, their partners, their friends, your friends? In the same ways you have felt that pain. That sting of betrayal, of rejection, the feeling of being used. Yet, you feel no desire in stopping your actions. Why? What makes us so different? When we have so much in common. You and me? Why don’t you do everything in your power to make others feel safe and loved, isn’t that what you want so bad?
I wish I could wrap everyone in a bubble and hide them from this cold world. I wish I can help everyone feel whole again, but I know now, that’s not my place. That people must go through shit, and do shit, to get better. I just wish I didn’t have to see it; I just wish you didn’t use the people I care about. Even if they don’t care for me the same way.
I know you live on a pedestal, above me.
I’ve tried so hard to close my eyes. Close myself off and walk away, and I know that has made me the bad person. I admit, I did it wrong, I got too involved on the wrong side, and for that I am sorry, not to you, but to them. I’m sorry I made them feel betrayed, and most of all, I’m sorry I let you get into my head, all while trying to stop you get into theirs. I hope they can forgive me. I hope they know my intentions were good. That I regret the actions I took. That no matter what they need to say about me, to help them get through this, that I will always be there. In the end. I will always catch them when they fall. Every, fucking, time.
Nonetheless, for now, I need to let go of it all. I can take the heat, the rumours, the lies you have put on their lips, all so you can shine brighter than me. All because I have called you out, and proven to them, the kind of human being you are. I understand, that a part of you needs control, I understand why you have to have it, why you have to do this, be this way, and I know apart of them needs it too, unfortunately their need for you, is more than their need for me.
So, to this I say goodbye to you, not because I hate you. Far from it, there is always a small part of me that will care. In a way, I guess, you did fix a part of me too and to that, I will always be thankful. I will always respect you; I will always support all the good you have done, that you are going to do. I will always look up to the person you once were, the one I hope to see again.
One day, all these broken parts will be forgotten. This path we took will be on track. We will be happy! All of us!