It’s unbearable, it pursues your skin, your mind, your soul. You try to ignore it, you attempt to stay positive, struggle to act like this feeling can’t control your world, but it finds a way to consume you whole.
You take measures to secure your sanity, but it’s pointless, useless, it’s pathetic. You feel as if the earth is laughing at you and your sad attempt to live your life. It’s a joke.
Was this more then you bargained for, was it everything you wished it wasn’t? Do you yearn to start your existence again, or would it just turn out the same? Would you change your actions if you had the opportunities to play them over?
Were any of these mistakes worth it, have they changed you for the better?
Sometimes I long to understand what you feel, to just sense what you are going through, to feel it too, but my brain doesn’t work that way, it’s been cold and dead for so long and I don’t know how to fix it.
My heart is broken, and I don’t even know why, or how it got that way, but it’s closed off and I’m too terrified to open it again. I disappoint myself and everyone around me.
Am I the problem, am I what’s wrong? I’m cracked and frail, a complete disaster. Am I the one that fucks up, that people want to avoid?
Why have I changed, why am I different than I was before. Should I just keep silent and to myself. Should I curl up in a ball and hide from the people which don’t deserve my negativity? Would they notice? Am I as ugly on the inside as I am on the outside?
Am I the reason people lie? Should I keep my mouth shut, should I bottle up all my problems and not burden anyone else with them? Should I disappear and make it easier for them? Would they cry and pretend they cared?
Has my heart gone so dark, that it has started to blacken theirs? Should I turn from my responsibilities, would it ruin them? Is that the only reason they keep me around? Do I pay a price for a place in their lives?
Do I pay a price for mine?